THE BET AWARDS 2008 :: WTDH SPECIAL EDITION

What more can we say? We LIVE for the self-proclaimed "Hottest Ticket In Television" that is The BET Awards. Each year, we can count on a patented brand of fuckery unlike any other, and this year we were NOT disappointed. We couldn't think of a better way to kick off the launch of the NEW blogspot format. We know you're thirsty, Bust It Babies, so lets get right into it! Feel free to click the photos to watch the performances (thanks, YouTube!) if you're lost and confused.

UMM, THATS COOL BUT I BELIEVE I WAS PROMISED SOULJA GIRL…

We at What The Damn Hell were hit with immediate disappointment when the curtains rose to an opening act that we THOUGHT was going to be our favorite bipolar straphanger YouTube star, Soulja Girl. We saw no soulja girl, all we got was some "Love In This Club" by the panty pudding-whipped Usher Raymond IV. Although we’re relieved that Carol's Daughter model [yeah, you heard us], Tameka Foster wasn’t the performance vixen for the set, we want to be reimbursed for the 40 bux we spent on these “I Will Beat Yo’ Ass On This Train” t-shirts!
In case you have not yet experienced this poor soul… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NZtGz_7WI0

GOD BLESS THE LEGAL SYSTEM…'YEEEEEEEEEEAAAUUUUUUUHH'
Young Jeezy took a chapter from the R.Kelly New York Times Bestseller “How To Stay Your Ass out of Jail”. Jay Jenkins dodged time in the cell for DUI charges to perform his bangin’ sangle “Put On” with Kanye West. Jeezy learned that the best way to beat a felony is with a Performance date and pure Patriotism. Apparently, the American flag is one big ass “Get outta jail FREE” card. That’s it, Jeezy, put on for yo’ city-ON ON FO’ YO’ CITY!

THE WAY IT AIN’T!
At first, we felt the instinctive need to defend The Billie Holiday of BET, Keyshia Cole, ‘cause on the real if we were 30 feet up, our voices would be shaky too. We have to remember that Keyshia is Oakland at heart and she’s only comfortable when both feet are planted on the ground just in case she’s gotta slap-a-ho Frankie style! Our defense mechanisms went OUT OF ORDER when all excuses went out the door on solid ground. WHAT THE DAMN HELL?? Those notes were NOT sent from heaven! Even secret lover, Young Jeezy had a chuckle at this vocal debauchery of gangsta lovin’ song “Heaven Sent” Let’s straighten this shit out right now: Missy…you are NEVER allowed to be absent from performances of “Let It Go” from now until the end of your life! Lil’ Kim alone can NOT do backup vocals even though someone must’ve told her she had the voice of a bird. Your absence only made this offbeat, tone-deaf, shriek-fest a hot ghetto mess for the ambiguously gay duo. Jesus, be a loveseat so that these two can sit down together and think about what they’ve done.

YOU’RE GETTING CLOSER!
MJ reincarnate Ne-Yo never ceases to make us proud. He even makes Michael say “Damn, I shoulda stayed that color!” We certainly appreciated the lost scene from Moonwalker. Ne-Yo ain’t but a two-step away from King of Pop-dom. Get clooooooser.

TEENAGE GIRL GROUP LOVE AFFAIR

To quote fellow blogger Lil' Miss Stardust, Alicia gets it right everydamntime!! Until, that is, she starts dancing and reveals the white side of her sexy mixture. 90’s babies rendition of “Teenage Love Affair” was enhanced by appearances of SWV, En Vogue, and TLC…we are WEAK in the knees trying to HOLD ON to WATERFALLS! I had a good mind to get our Skip It toy and UNO cards out the closet! We vote the damn hell yes! Ashanti might want to take notes and try getting Brownstone, Xscape, Blaque, 702 and Mokenstef to answer her phone calls. They need some checks too!

SMART GUY, IS THAT YOU??


Oh wait..that’s Chris Brown! We didn’t recognize you with that Taj Mowry-inspired fro’hawk! It was cool hearing “With You” for the Mil-A-Mil-A-Millionth time, but we were just waiting on you to take it down. With a guest appearance from Ciara shaking her poakchops & butterbeans giving us all types of dirty thought, we just came by to tell ya that visions of statutory rape never looked so good! Althought, we did think that Rihanna was gonna slide down from the waterfall and tackle Ciara as she pop-locked all over her man! We can only imagine the argument afterwards “I coulda dun dat shyt, mon! Me do it all di time bak in mi homeland in Barbados!”

And while we're on the ChRhianna train...

PLEAHHHHSE… WHAT ELSE IS ON?
Well, Rihanna, at least your boo was proud to hear “Take A Bow” which is apparently his favorite song—and ONLY his. We cried for his soul, however, when he looked around for a fellow fan to sing along with, but he came up empty. Rih-Rih, listen closely: when you are given the coveted Beyonce performance timeslot (anywhere between 10pm and 10:30pm), you’ve got to pon de replay and come HARDER, BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER. Break some dishes next time! Sell me some candy! SUMTHIN! We love the Strictly Business Halle Berry circa 1991 haircut though! 3 snaps AROUND the world in R-formation!

Hypocrites Note: We’ve been waiting for our favorite “good girl gone just bad enough to go platinum” to mess up something for about a year now…FINALLY we struck gold! We will however deny ever writing this the next time we see pics of this chick looking amazing on a red carpet or snuggled up with CB in KFC with a bucket of crispy wings.



WHENEVER, WHEREVER, WHAT THE DAMNHELL EVER!!!

Obamapologies ya’ll, Denise has passed out in a puddle on my living room floor at the sound of Maxwell crooning “Simply Beautiful” during the Al Green tribute, so I guess I’ll be taking over for a little while until I threaten to let Rick Ross give her mouth-to-mouth. Enjoy the pic, ladies...he knows youre watching. For those of you craving another dose of the man, the myth, the maxwell, click here.

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT FRANKIE…
Oh Lawd, wipe me down! This is the big one! I'm coming to join you Denise! Keyshia’s momma, Frankie looked like my latest Jet Beauty of the Week crush! Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air! I couldn’t help but picture her singing “Cater 2 U” to me in my liquid dreams! Please be sure to sign our petition to get Flavor of Frankie into production on the BET Networks. Thirteen men will stay in a “mansion” (aka, a 1 1/2 bedroom apartment in the Oakland projects) to compete for the heart, soul, and panty pudding of our favorite TV Momma. Stay tuned each week to see which bachelor will be the Man Down in the quest for Frankie’s sexual seduction. Hollllla!


WHAT THE BLESSED HEAVEN!?
It is tradition for BET to feature a Gospel music segment catering to the spiritually led and even Michelle Williams-heathens. As we were touched by the blessed words and melodies of Marvin (not Warren) Sapp performing the soul-stirring “Never Would Have Made It” we couldn’t help but wonder…what the blessed heavens do Lil’ Wayne, Rick Ross and Plies do during this holy testimony? I'd pay top dolla to see a camera cut of Trina speaking in tongues and slain in the holy spirit!

WOCKA, WOCKA - A THOUSAND TIMES YES! EH! EH!
Fozzie aka The-Dream took the award for Best New Artist against Estelle and Flo-Rida, former members of the Muppet Show House band. In yo' face Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em! Yarr trick, yarrr! Crank your baby Flavor Flav lookinboy ass back to Collipark.

HELL TO THE NO, HEAD TO TOE!
Lisa Lisa…I wonder if I take you home, will you change that damn outfit?? WHAT.THE.DAMN.HELL. You CANNONT combine Jill Scott’s butterfly bra with gowns from the Aretha Franklin collection. Next time that you’re standing confused in front of your closet, just pull out the pink headband you told Full Force off in. We won’t mind…really.


IT’S A MIRACLE! HALLELUJER!
Congratulations to BET for FINALLY selecting Jacob Mann, the FIRST 106 & Park fan under the age of 40 to present the Viewers Choice award! Lil’ Wayne took the award and we are Oh So Damn Happy…BUT Weezy, can you pass a few c-notes from that Mil-A-Mil-A-Million sold and PLEASE buy your daughters some freakum onesies from The House of Dereon rather than the skittle-riffic ensembles we’ve had to endure the past few years?? These babies ARE NOT dressed up in love! Please save tha babies…Ya dig?




UNIVERSOUL THUG CIRCUS
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Hold on...we need to catch our breath because WE CANNOT.....................................................................................................................okay, we're back.
Our reason for breathing, T-Pain aka The Ringleader of WHAT THE DAMN HELL Fuckery, led us through a string of his memorable hood-banga’ appearances with performances of “Low” with Uncle Flo-Rida, “The Boss” with Rick Ross and “So Hood” with everybody and their obamamama. If this man wasn’t SO essential to the blazin’ Hip-Hop & RnB community over the last 365 days, we would call him out as the stepnfetchinlookinboy he is! Damn you and that catchy-ass Teddy Riley voicebox! Once that battery dies, its ON!


YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA

The photo says it all, shoot me now too Fergie so I can go up yonder be with my Lord! Nelly takes the cake as official embarrassment to the black community, still spitting simple sambo shimmy-shimmy-coco-pop hooks (Please see “Party People” and “Steppin’ On My J’s” for references). Seriously, how many songs can this 30-something year old man write about schoolyard beefs and hand games (so what if me and Denise still play Numbers…that’s us!)


TEAM KID SISTER!
We held our breath for the controversial Best Female MC category. With nominees Missy Elliott, Eve, Lil’ Mama, Trina, and Kid Sister, we completely co-sign our girl Amanda Diva’s beef on this one…which one of these miss rap supreme’s (besides Lil’ Mama and Trina) even released albums this year?? This category needs to be the Best Female Shelved CD. BET clearly said fuck effort to this nomination list. They could’ve thrown anyone up on this list (once again, Nonchalant and Silk-E-Fyne are overlooked!). Congrats to Missy though, but we’re not sure why…

SIDE-EYES

·Ashanti…did you sell fabric from your dress to make up for the disappointing sales of your album, “The Statement” ummm, no “The Sentence” oh yeah, “The Declaration” whatever…bye! We won't stand by while you drive down the road to doing some hoe shit.

·How old is that Flo-Rida dude?

·Queen Latifah (we love u Khadijah James) but what exactly is your definition of “a size active”?

·Rocsi, all we can say is Girl, BYE! That wasn’t the same hair that you came to LA in! We suggest you bake some brownies over the weekend for the good Samaritan who told you to switch your lacefronts up for the actual show! (Seeing as how Rocsi is even up for discussion, I guess we ran outta real talk, so let’s cut it here!)

Well, maybe on mo' thang...


THE WTDH WORD OF THE DAY
O·BA·MA (n., adj.)
The word "Obama" can now officially be used as a salutation (Obama, my brotha!), an adjective (Have an Obama day!), or a punctuation mark (OBAMA!) as we saw with every other presenter mentioning his name. We're not hating a damn bit here, whatever it takes to win this man the election in November! Spread Obama love with a fist-bump and a smile at least 2wice each day. “Obama or die, ya’ll!”[-Diddy’s words, not ours.]


Thats it for us, we got jobs to go to in the morning! Send your comments and other bitchassedness that we might've left out to whatthedamnhell@gmail.com.

-Denise & Theo Huxtable!